ASKING BETTER QUESTIONS
The goal when asking questions of our students is to have a respectful /resourceful conversation and keep a positive connection between us. Asking better questions is what is needed to:
Understanding the Problem to be solved.
Resource the Student to be able to find the answer.
Avoid all Binary Questions = “yes” and “no” or “grunting” answers!
When we ask binary questions, the answers are “Short Stops.” You have no details to fill in the picture – pretty useless questions unless you are asking if the house is on fire!
Back up the bus and say “that didn’t sound good… Let’s try again.”
“What is the most important work for us to do today?”
“Where would you like to start?
Sometimes the story will dominate and frustrate the situation. Often a minute or two of listening is the most important part of the time together. Your student will feel seen and valued and then you can transition to homework. A good follow up…. “tell me more…..” can jump start the details you need to either solve a problem or understand the attitude.
KEY# 1 Have Soft Eyes - show interest with patience
Our bodies are little detectives – we internalize what we see in the faces of others and we notice quickly and have already decided if:
We are “safe” or “unsafe”?
Is this a friendly look?
Am I in trouble?
KEY #2 Eye level communication communicates sincere care & love
It only takes a moment to show that extra attention that every student is looking for – “Do you see me?” “Am I important to you?” “Are you here for me?”
The Best Conversations come from the Best Questions
Imagine your hand – we have 4 fingers and a thumb – Use this image as an object to remember the 4 words to start your question - each word is a finger on your hand:
WHAT
WHEN
WHERE
WHO
You will open more information by starting with these question words. Each of these opens a conversation with details enough to move forward with more inquiry. More info = More specific support can be given = More competent and connected students.
“Who” can help identify important participants. Who was with you? or Who wasn’t there?
“What” can be flexible: ie: What’s happening? or What’s going on with your Math assignment? What have you tried already? A sentence answer will gather more info including emotional experiences that are part of the picture and are often hindrances to being able to focus well. Let your student roll out the flavor of their concerns and follow up with an encouraging word.
“Where” is more direct resourcing ie., Where can we find the information / questions to be answered?
“When” “is a time factor” and important for organizing priorities. ie: When does the teacher want you to turn this in? When you finish this, what would be a good rewards. tarts the process of solving questions or writing stories.
The bonus question of HOW comes into play as you unpack the story: ie: “How does the teacher want you to do it?” Let’s look at your work. How have you done this before? How do you want to do that part? Let’s get started… Our basic human need to be “seen” and “welcomed” sets the stage for receiving what is given to us – “help with homework” definitely counts.
“WHY” always stops traffic – Defensiveness results…. Trust is blocked. Find another way to avoid a traffic blockade. Remember to TUCK AWAY the WHY Question – Why did you do that?
When asking “why” you’ve immediately put the other person on the defensive. See the STOP sign clearly and re-direct…. “oh my, that was a wrong question”… Let me start again…. I have found students, children, teens and adults respond compassionately when adults own the mistake, reset and ask a different way. Let’s try that again….“Tell me what you’ve tried, what has worked well so far? What would be the most helpful thing for us to work on today? This encourages cooperation.
If you find yourself using “WHY” too much, change the channel. I haven’t met anyone who has resisted an apology … “my oops” … I’m backing up the bus and try a different question… smiles could erupt. The remedy is to apologize and ask your student how they would like to have this conversation. Ask them what are the easiest questions for them to answer? And a new start on the task will often feel better.
Productive questions will get information flowing better between parents and students - and this leads to better connection.
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